Jerk on…

What The Hell Is Wrong With America These Days

Oh, I’ll tell you what’s fucking wrong. Jackasses who would rather force people to live a certain way than minding their own business (Osama Bin-Laden, for example). Yep, I’m talking about the smoking bans that are so popular these days. The state of California, New York City, and even here in Austin, TX. The fascists are taking over.
In the America I was raised to believe in, if you didn’t like the way something was, you’d just do it better. And then the cash would roll on in. Product not good enough? Build it better. The market wants something not available? Make it. You see my point.
But not anymore. Now we legislate lifestyles. For example, if more than 50% of the population really wants to go to a non-smoking bar or club, why not just fucking open one? If the demand exists, which I assume the non-smoking fascists believe, then open up a non-smoking bar or club. You’d have a corner on the market and reap the rewards. That’s the American spirit.
But nooooooo… These Hitleresque dipshits want to force every spot on the planet to be exactly like their living room. They want to drive their SUV’s downtown, crowd up my bars, (which is an issue I’ll tackle at another time) and piss me the hell off. These are the same types of people who take group tours to the third world so they can experience the way the rest of the world lives. Fuck you, you want to experience something, immerse yourself in it. Don’t have a tour guide show you some poor dumb bastards shack. Hell, come over to my place; a taste of the third world right here in America.
And then the judge wants to know why I punched some guy in the face.
I’m sick of all you over-insured, over-medicated assholes wanting everything in life to be perfect. I’m on the criminal’s side. Fuck you all. Steal from the rich, steal from the poor, steal from anyone not armed to the teeth (Drunk Uncle Bob is always armed to the teeth). Life is hard and your suit and tie doesn’t change a thing.
If you show most people a picture of a swimming pool and a handgun and ask them which one is the more dangerous, most people will point to the gun. And they would be WRONG.
What was I talking about?
Oh, right, smoking. Everybody dies and most of the time it hurts. That’s life. You don’t want to breathe in second hand smoke? Stay the hell out of a bar. But don’t EVER tell me how to live my life, and leave the poor small business owner alone in deciding whether or not to allow smoking in their bars. What the hell business is it of yours what legal activity he allows in his place?
“But Bob, now it is illegal.”
Fuck you. Just because you made it so. And you know what the hell I mean. If you were any kind of a man (I’m including the ladies in that) you’d shut the hell up and mind your own damned business. You don’t like the way something is? Go somewhere else. No place like what you want? Build a place. America is a land of ever-expanding freedoms, not a land of limiting freedoms (gay marriage amendment? Are you kidding?). Freedom means the freedom to make bad decisions (that’s not related to the gay thing. I love the gays. Well, I don’t love them.). And no one is forcing you to go to these places. That’s the crux of it. You don’t like my smoke? Get the hell out of my bar. Hang out in your master planned communities and have a cocktail party. Master planned communities. Hitler would have loved that.
I’ll tell you what, let’s compare the effects of my smoke to the effects of your factories and see which one is worse for people.
“But Bob, you buy things from factories. What’s up with that?”
Well of course I do. I pollute extra just to make up for you eco-idiots. You see, I hate people, and I believe that any true environmentalist would agree with me when I say that the best thing for the planet would be for people to get the hell off of it. I have a buddy who rides his bike everywhere instead of driving, and when he does I drive around for no reason and throw trash out of my windows. ‘Cause fuck you, that’s why.
All right, this was a little all over the place, but if you’re going to be reading this column, you’d better get used to that. Drunk Uncle Bob has an eight-track mind. Drunk Uncle Bob loves the seventies. Frank Zappa and David Bowie would both hang out in a smoke filled bar. Ted Nugent would shoot you with a compound bow for complaining about the smoke. And Ted Nugent rules.
That’s really what I want to leave you with today.
Ted Nugent RULES!

Jerk off…