My floors are dirty
My tables and chairs
Counter tops and t.v. screens
Body
Mind
And
Soul
Stained t-shirt and bloodshot eyes
Are just the beginning…

My neighbor came by again last night. Sat down and lit a cigarette. His girlfriend wouldn’t let him smoke in his apartment so he came over here to do it. Like I said, he got me high most of the time, so I didn’t mind. He was pretty cool anyway.
So when […]

“You ever had a woman lick your asshole?” I asked him.
“What?” His eyes went bug wide.
“You know, a rim job?”
“No. No. That’s disgusting. Fuck no.” He shuddered for effect and sipped his beer.
“That’s not disgusting. Disgusting is kissing her after.” I laughed and lit a smoke.
“So how do […]

Some people do their best work under pressure
So does the Earth
We are all diamonds in the rough

“You can’t smoke back here.” It was my boss.
“No one ever comes back here, man, except you, and you only come back here to see if I’m smoking.” I took a load of dishes out of the machine, set it on the rack, and loaded up another one. “If you just stop […]

Hello loyal readers. It’s me, Drunk Uncle Bob, coming to you live from the bomb shelter deep in the heart of Texas. Welcome to my semi-regular column ‘Jerk On/Jerk Off’. This is where I tell America exactly what the hell is wrong with all of you and why.
My first column is called “What the hell is wrong with America these days” and I suppose we’d better jump right in…

I stopped in the first bar I came to. Sue’s. Shit. There wasn’t anything wrong with the bar really, it just meant that I’d been walking in the wrong direction. Oh well, I still needed a drink no matter where I was headed.
Now the thing about this joint was it had […]